Tag Archives: hate

Is it really a lie if you just say nothing?

I love my husband with all my heart. He makes me smile when no one else can. He looks at me as no one else ever will. He makes me feel loved, safe, and cherished. But I think I lie to him all the time…

When he asks if anything is wrong, I always so nothing, by literally saying nothing or saying, “no, nothing is wrong.” But that’s a lie…there is always something wrong. My brain is like a watch…a very powerful watch…it ticks, on and on and on and on and on, always ticking onto something new…sometimes it gets stuck, and ticks backwards instead of forward…but then it get’s set and ticks forward again, on and on and on and on…I am always thinking; of the present, the tasks at hand, my insecurities relating to what I am doing or what I’ve got to do, silly little things like when can I find time to go grocery shopping. If I am not fixated on the present, I am locked in the on and on and on and on of the past…relegated to the hazy field of nightmares and daydreams of things, people, places, times that would be best serve falling away into some dimly lit abyss. I don’t like to bother him with these things, so I say nothing…”no, nothing is wrong.”

The worst part has to be that he knows I am lying. He knows I just want to shield him from this hurt inside me. He knows…and I just don’t know what that does to him. But why should I share these things with him? What good could possibly come from that? “Babe, I hate you mustache because my father had a mustache…and I have to think about that 76% of the time that we kiss…” No-I don’t need to share that with him…it’s my own issue that I need to work out. Besides, he looks like a fucking idiot without his mustache (we found that out the hard way…). All of these things are minor issues taking refuge inside my head. I have no desire to bring them out into the world by putting them in his head.

So I find things to shut me up, make it feel like nothing is really wrong. I guess I am like a typical American in that regard. But then those things become part of the nothing. It really is a never ending story. The nothing chases me, it eats up everything I say, I do, I think, or I feel…and sooner or later, he’s going to get sick and fucking tired of it. But for now, I just I will skirt the lie by saying nothing…

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Filed under musings, reflection, survivor