For as long as I can remember, I’ve bitten my tongue when I’ve had something really important to say. Well, when I’ve had something really important to me to say, I bit my tongue. I was taught from a very young age to avoid confrontation-and kind of confrontation. That translated into a shy disposition and a very introverted attitude. But the older I get, the harder it is for me to just shut the fuck up.
In some ways, I can contribute this developing quality less to age and more to occupational expectations. As a perpetual student, I am expected to not only chime in, but I am also expected to voice my opinion, no matter how unpopular or off the wall it may be. For the last ten years, I’ve been confronted in ways I’ve dreaded-in a reverse brainwashing of sorts. I’ve had mentors, professors, teachers, administrators, friends, and random people pushing me to take my eyes off the floor and look out at the world beyond the top of my feet. I wanted to be something more than I was, and I kept bumping into shit, so I started to look up. As I progressed through my education, and quickly passing years, I began to see more and more around me, and I was internally compelled to start reacting to it, which forced me to start opening my mouth as wide as my eyes.
Don’t get all pervy with the above mentioned statement. It was a metaphoric statement.
I can’t say with certainty that my education alone forced me to begin to confront things around me-in truth-I always had a fighter inside of me…I just never let her out for fear of the consequences of confrontation. But with my education and changing mind, I began to notice that the consequence of shutting up and taking it-whatever “it” life through at me-were far worse than any consequences of speaking up. Nothing could hurt me as much as I could hurt myself. Instead of allowing myself to stay silent and reserved on the things that more allied me, I began to approach everything with an aim to confront it, at least in some small measure.
In some ways, all of this and that can and will culminate in the blog, and a book I hope to some magical day write. I don’t want to hold my tongue. I don’t want to stay silent just because my thoughts, feelings, words, and experiences may hurt the feelings of a facebook, or worse still, a real life friend. One of my major life goals is to change the world for the better…sugar coating what I am all about, or what I am doing, won’t produce a real and honest me. So I am getting all bloggy and shit. Who knows, maybe Wil Wheaton, Misha Collins, Oprah, the Dalai Lama, or even Jess Heffner will read my blog.
Aim high…it’s okay-we all land on a pile of garbage scented pills called life anyway.